RQ: What are the interpersonal issues in midlife marriage?

Today’s topic:  SEX!

     Mary, age 60, was interviewed in a study done by the University of Texas. She said, “One of the interesting aspects of my menopausal life is that I am hornier than I ever was.” Now, did you expect that?  Matthew, age 69, said “[Sex] has gotten better and less frequent.” I think this statement “better and less” probably doesn’t fit with what you would expect a man to say either.  Both of these quotes don’t quite match what society tells us are normal ways to express sexual desire and attitudes at certain ages or genders.  Midlife marital sex doesn’t fit the cultural model that is based on youth and based on a double standard that women are passive and men have to be the aggressor. Let me tell you what two research studies have discovered.

     The University of Texas study mentioned above interviewed 17 long-term, heterosexual, married couples, ages 50-69. The interviews were well done using intersectional analyses and other well founded methods that give this study weight. They found that sexual experiences change for the better in midlife marriages. Wow! But, these changes do not happen without some distress along the way. Midlife married couples have to deal with age-related physical changes that result in changes to frequency and quality. Some felt distress from these changes when they could not maintain their cultural understanding of what their gendered sexual experience should be. These physical changes required changes in the way they practiced their sexual experiences. Their former sexual experiences and prior expectations had to be realigned to fit the midlife phase.  All the couples interviewed experienced a change and this caused distress for some couples in the way they practiced their society-based, gendered sexual roles.

     However men and women do experience these changes differently. Men most often “worry over their ability to perform” (p. 436) and they find their level of desire does not continue to meet up with the youthful model that society says a man should have. “Men over the age of 50 experience a sharp decrease in sexual function, frequency of orgasms, and levels of sexual desire” (p. 430). This change for men causes them to doubt their masculinity, which again is based on a youthful model. To regain their sense of self, men may take Viagra or other prescription drugs. Women experience physical change also in “lower levels sexual desire and more difficulty achieving arousal” (p. 430). Women may use lubrications, hormone replacements, and topical estrogen creams in an attempt to reach the youthful level of sexual function as constructed by our culture. Women will doubt their femininity and blame themselves because their husband no longer initiated sex and has lower desire for them than before. This creates a fear of unattractiveness in the woman. This article stated that men and women both fear getting old, but women fear looking old. This again is based on society’s construct of femininity and aging. So for men they feared losing function and women feared not looking or being sexually desirable.

         Although with a decrease in frequency of sex, the quality of sex increased for midlife married couples. The reasons couples gave for increased quality of sex was from “feeling more comfortable with their partner, knowing their partner’s body and sexual preferences better” (p. 434) more maturity, less stress from grown children, more stability in the marriage and increased emotional intimacy.  Society is changing its expectation for midlife and older couples to continue having sexual intercourse so they have healthy aging and “age well”.

     In agreement with the above is a study that linked sexual satisfaction with increased marital quality and decreased instability. This was a longitudinal study done in 2006 with 283 midlife couples. The results of this study agreed with theories that say sexual satisfaction “serves as a reward and a positive interactive experience to make important contributions to the couples’ positive evaluations on marriage” (p. 342). Sex continues to be important at midlife for quality of the relationship and aging does not necessarily mean a decrease in sexual satisfaction.

     I think this is good news to anyone younger and also for those approaching midlife. Maybe the best is yet to come and it might look different than you think!  Can you believe your sex life may get even better as you get older?  Let’s continue to value life at all stages and see the beauty in each new day.

References

Lodge, A. C. & Umberson, D. (2012). All shook up: Sexuality of mid- to later life married couples. Journal of Marriage and Family.  74. 428-443. doi: 10.111/j.1741-3737.2012.00969.x

Yeh, Hsiu-Chen, Lorenz, F. O., Wickrama, K.A.S., Conger, R. D., & Elder Jr., G. H. (2006).  Relationships among sexual satisfaction, marital quality, and marital instability at midlife. Journal of Family Psychology. 20(2), 339-343. doi: 10.1037/0893-3200.20.2.339