RQ: What are the interpersonal issues in midlife marriage?

Today’s topic:  SEX!

     Mary, age 60, was interviewed in a study done by the University of Texas. She said, “One of the interesting aspects of my menopausal life is that I am hornier than I ever was.” Now, did you expect that?  Matthew, age 69, said “[Sex] has gotten better and less frequent.” I think this statement “better and less” probably doesn’t fit with what you would expect a man to say either.  Both of these quotes don’t quite match what society tells us are normal ways to express sexual desire and attitudes at certain ages or genders.  Midlife marital sex doesn’t fit the cultural model that is based on youth and based on a double standard that women are passive and men have to be the aggressor. Let me tell you what two research studies have discovered.

     The University of Texas study mentioned above interviewed 17 long-term, heterosexual, married couples, ages 50-69. The interviews were well done using intersectional analyses and other well founded methods that give this study weight. They found that sexual experiences change for the better in midlife marriages. Wow! But, these changes do not happen without some distress along the way. Midlife married couples have to deal with age-related physical changes that result in changes to frequency and quality. Some felt distress from these changes when they could not maintain their cultural understanding of what their gendered sexual experience should be. These physical changes required changes in the way they practiced their sexual experiences. Their former sexual experiences and prior expectations had to be realigned to fit the midlife phase.  All the couples interviewed experienced a change and this caused distress for some couples in the way they practiced their society-based, gendered sexual roles.

     However men and women do experience these changes differently. Men most often “worry over their ability to perform” (p. 436) and they find their level of desire does not continue to meet up with the youthful model that society says a man should have. “Men over the age of 50 experience a sharp decrease in sexual function, frequency of orgasms, and levels of sexual desire” (p. 430). This change for men causes them to doubt their masculinity, which again is based on a youthful model. To regain their sense of self, men may take Viagra or other prescription drugs. Women experience physical change also in “lower levels sexual desire and more difficulty achieving arousal” (p. 430). Women may use lubrications, hormone replacements, and topical estrogen creams in an attempt to reach the youthful level of sexual function as constructed by our culture. Women will doubt their femininity and blame themselves because their husband no longer initiated sex and has lower desire for them than before. This creates a fear of unattractiveness in the woman. This article stated that men and women both fear getting old, but women fear looking old. This again is based on society’s construct of femininity and aging. So for men they feared losing function and women feared not looking or being sexually desirable.

         Although with a decrease in frequency of sex, the quality of sex increased for midlife married couples. The reasons couples gave for increased quality of sex was from “feeling more comfortable with their partner, knowing their partner’s body and sexual preferences better” (p. 434) more maturity, less stress from grown children, more stability in the marriage and increased emotional intimacy.  Society is changing its expectation for midlife and older couples to continue having sexual intercourse so they have healthy aging and “age well”.

     In agreement with the above is a study that linked sexual satisfaction with increased marital quality and decreased instability. This was a longitudinal study done in 2006 with 283 midlife couples. The results of this study agreed with theories that say sexual satisfaction “serves as a reward and a positive interactive experience to make important contributions to the couples’ positive evaluations on marriage” (p. 342). Sex continues to be important at midlife for quality of the relationship and aging does not necessarily mean a decrease in sexual satisfaction.

     I think this is good news to anyone younger and also for those approaching midlife. Maybe the best is yet to come and it might look different than you think!  Can you believe your sex life may get even better as you get older?  Let’s continue to value life at all stages and see the beauty in each new day.

References

Lodge, A. C. & Umberson, D. (2012). All shook up: Sexuality of mid- to later life married couples. Journal of Marriage and Family.  74. 428-443. doi: 10.111/j.1741-3737.2012.00969.x

Yeh, Hsiu-Chen, Lorenz, F. O., Wickrama, K.A.S., Conger, R. D., & Elder Jr., G. H. (2006).  Relationships among sexual satisfaction, marital quality, and marital instability at midlife. Journal of Family Psychology. 20(2), 339-343. doi: 10.1037/0893-3200.20.2.339

   

INTERPERSONAL ISSUES IN MIDLIFE MARRIAGE

     This week I want to address the concept of “midlife crisis”.  As you know I have been researching issues in midlife marriage.  Several of you have mentioned the midlife crisis as if this were something to be expected in the midlife marriage. Personally I believe from my readings that the “midlife crisis” is, for the most part, a myth. I did some direct research this week on the idea of midlife crisis and this is what I found.

     First of all, it surprised me that when I searched the Albertsons Library database for “midlife crisis”, the most recent articles were from 2009. Many of the articles dealt with other types of midlife crisis in some type of commerce, industry or profession, e.g.” burn out” in nursing for example. This was not the type of midlife crisis I wanted to learn about. The type of midlife crisis that most of us think about is the 49 year old male that suddenly feels compelled to buy a new sports car, have a fling with a younger woman, maybe goes on a dream vacation with or without his wife of twenty years, gets new a new hair style and maybe a different job. However, think of this scenario again with the guy as a 29 year old.  The 29 year old buys a sports car, has a fling with a 29 year old woman and takes a dream vacation, etc. Would this be considered a “crisis”? Why do we have certain expectations for different ages? I do not believe it necessarily constitutes a “crisis” to behave like this at 49. Maybe men always prefer younger women. Maybe women prefer younger men also?

     Sue Shellenbarger, a columnist for the Wall Street Journal, made light of the midlife crisis idea in an article she wrote for a “Work and Family” column. She received the most responses she has ever received. Her readers were telling her of their own experiences of “pain, upheaval, rebirth and transformation in middle age…a time when old values and goals no longer made sense to them”.  After this response, Sue Shellenbarger wrote a book entitled, “The Breaking Point: How Female Midlife Crisis is Transforming Today’s Women”. She claims, “The midlife crisis is a cliché—until you have one.”  During the past 15-20 years, a majority of women have entered the workforce and their earnings have risen dramatically. A female midlife crisis is now more of a possibility. Women today have the finances, education and confidence to resolve frustrations they have in their lives.

     According to Sue Shellenbarger’s article, women and men have different reasons for triggering a midlife crisis. Men most often begin their midlife crisis because of work or career issues. Women most likely begin a midlife crisis because of a family issue, such as a divorce, affair, death of a parent, or feeling you have not been a good parent yourself. Women also handle the midlife crisis differently. Women will talk with others about it, and seek solutions in the community through college enrollment and/or more church attendance.

     The most relevant, serious article I found on “midlife crisis” was one titled, “Midlife Crisis: A Debate” (2009). This article took the position of three different concepts of midlife crisis:  a strict, moderate or lenient concept. I agree with the lenient concept of midlife crisis; but let me tell you what each one is.

     The strict definition says that most people in midlife have a crisis period and “will feel less fulfilled…than they thought they would…even if they have reached the goals they set for themselves when they were younger” (p. 586). The moderate definition includes middle adulthood as challenging phase of life, but not necessarily a crisis except for possibly the most vulnerable, neurotic people. It is a time to assess old goals, and set new goals. This process of letting go of old goals and making new ones may be felt as positive and liberating. Most importantly, the strict and moderate concepts of midlife crisis have not found to be empirically reported. 

     Finally, the lenient concept of midlife crisis does not see the concept of midlife crisis as normal. The lenient concept does view this time of life as having “age-associated challenges” (p. 589), as does every phase of life.  These challenges include evaluating accomplishments, and a different time perspective to life choices, but still with hope and positive emotion. In data from a MIDUS study on age, said that “middle adulthood might actually be a peak phase in life” (p. 588). The study also reported that adults age 65 – 84 years “preferred middle adulthood over any other phase in the life span” (p. 588).

     I tend to agree with the lenient concept of midlife crisis. This also goes along with the other research I have been doing this semester for this class. Adults at middle age do have unique, important challenges and changes that come with this time of life, but these do not necessarily have to be defined as a “crisis”. A crisis can happen at any time in life. For the most part, and for most people, midlife is a time of transition into a new stage of life, but not a crisis.

Freund, A. M. & Ritter, J. O. (2009). Midlife crisis: A debate. Gerontology. 55. 582-591

            Doi: 10.1159/000227322

Shellenbarger, S. (2005, April 7). The female midlife crisis; more women than men now               report unheaval by age 50; the ATV tipping point. The Wall Street Journal.  P.D.1

    

    

Interpersonal Aspects of Midlife Marriage: Health

  If you are married at age 50, you want to have good health, right?  It’s common knowledge that there are studies that say if you are married, you probably are in better health and you will live longer. This assumes that the couple helps take care of and watch out for each other. This simplistic assumption holds true only if you have a satisfactory marriage. What if I told you that being married may cause you to have poor health?  Is your spouse a jerk, an alcoholic, a workaholic or just unresponsive to you?  You can bet this causes you additional stress! This stress causes elevated blood pressure and heart rates even in younger adults. If you are in midlife with continual stress, these physical responses are not good.  In long-term, midlife marriages, being married to someone who is uncaring, unhelpful and makes too many demands on you may cause you to develop physical problems, chronic health problems, and even disability. The chronic strain of an unhealthy marital relationship seems to contribute to poor health in midlife individuals.

     I was reading an article in the Journal of Aging and Health (2005).  This article said that many studies on marital quality and health have been done in the past on younger couples in their 30s and 40s. However, this study examined midlife and older couples and, importantly, it differed from previous studies in that it controlled for depression. Depression is often associated with marital dissatisfaction, poor health and poorer self-perceived health ratings. Controlling for depression gave the researcher a better understanding of the quality of the relationship and physical health of the couples. This was a large study of 729 individuals in their first marriage, ages 50 to 74. The study included five dimensions of marital quality (e.g. marital disagreement, positive and negative spousal behaviors, global quality of the relationship and communication) to discover which aspects of marital quality affected health.  The researcher of this study found that negative spousal behaviors (e.g. too many demands, makes you feel tense, argumentative, critical, cannot be relied on, or just getting on your nerves) were the attributes that most consistently brought about poor health in the other spouse. This was a reliable study and easily generalized to midlife married adults because it was a large study, it controlled for depression, and it also broke down aspects of marital quality into five negative and positive characteristics. 

     The results of this study also agreed with previous studies on the negative effect of social exchanges. These prior findings also report that “negative social exchanges are more strongly and reliably associated with well-being than positive social exchanges” (Bookwala, 2005, p. 99). The author then concludes from this that “negative behaviors from one’s spouse outweighs the role of positive spousal behaviors in physical health” (p. 99).

     In another article in the American Journal of Public Health, (2001), they linked SES (socioeconomic status) with health in midlife married couples. The news from this article is even more alarming. The purpose of the study was to see how often both individuals face health problems at the same time and also to check for a link to SES. This report indicated that SES affects the health of both individuals in a marriage. When one falls into poor health, the other spouse has a larger load to carry with medical costs, employment interruptions, and care giving, etc. This often results in both individuals falling into poor health.  When two “unhealthy persons are married to each other, both lack the support a healthy spouse provides, and both face the additional burden of having a disabled partner” (Wilson, 2001 p. 134). Specifically, this study showed a connection between the health of the husband and the health of the wife. A husband with “excellent” health had a 2.3% chance of having a wife with poor health, versus if the man had “poor” health, 13.2% of the wives had poor health also. In relation to socioeconomic levels, “household income was strongly associated with both individual health status and the joint occurrence of poor health within marriage partnerships” (p. 133).  An example from the study was 12.5% of the households in the lowest quintile had both spouses in poor health, versus “0.7% of household in the top quintile” (p 133).  This study also asked about education levels. The marriages with both individuals not having completed a high school education are at highest risk of both being in poor health. With an inadequate education, it is more difficult for health-related decisions to be made and health care services to be assessed.  When the researcher put both education, SES and health together, “approximately half of all couples in which both spouses were in poor health were in the lowest SES categories both income and education” (p. 133).

     There are a few takeaway points from these two articles on midlife marriage.  First, a marriage is a significant interpersonal relationship that affects you across your life span. It is one of the most intimate connections you have and possibly the greatest source of emotional, physical and financial support you will have. Marital happiness can provide so much to the couple, but there are some aspects of marriage that can be damaging. Negative behaviors on the part of a spouse can lead to poor health in the other spouse. Marital therapy can improve not only the marital quality of the relationship, but it can improve the health of the individual. Also, socioeconomic and educational levels of the couple also have a high chance of affecting the health of both individuals. The quality of marriage, along with education and SES are powerful components to having good health later in life.

Bookwala, J. (2005). The role of marital quality in physical health during the mature years. Journal of Aging and Health. 17(1), 85-104.

            doi: 10.1177/0898264304272794

Wilson, S. E., (2001). Socioeconomic status and the prevalence of health problems among married couples in late midlife. American Journal of Public Health. 91(1). 131-135