Issues of Midlife Marriages

What are the issues Midlife Marriages face?

 Do you hope to retire early from work? Maybe you are still figuring out what your career will be, but I’m sure you think about the day when you do not have to work. If you are like the majority of people between the ages of 45 – 65, you are married.  What if your spouse retires before you do? What if you retire before your spouse?  Will you continue to work part-time? What will you do? Do you have a hobby you want to pursue? Volunteer?  Do you both have good health?  These are some of the issues that need to be discussed by a couple prior to retiring. Preplanning 10-20 years in advance of a life goal is not unreasonable. Actually, preplanning will help you reach your goal sooner than later, according to an article in American Behavioral Scientist.

Traditionally retirement has been related to a man’s health, reaching a certain age, pension status, and career achievements. However, with companies downsizing, offers of early retirement and loss of retirement savings, employees need to be rethinking the “golden years” outlook. Previously women’s role expectations were to work, leave the workforce to raise children, work again, and sometimes leave the workforce again to care for aging parents; having more family interruptions in their working years. Retirement decisions for women in this traditional mode of retirement would more closely follow the timing of her spouse.

More contemporary couples are a part of the “new modes of retirement” (Pienta, 2003).  This includes women in the dual-earners marriage whose relationship consists of decisions and choices that the married couple make together and lives that are linked.

The husbands and wives share opportunities and disadvantages that affect both of them and their work place decisions.  Amy Pienta, (2003) suggests that the construct of retirement is shifting for men and women and has become more multifaceted and gender equal. The contemporary marriage now consists of two career pathways and two retirements to navigate; no longer an individual event. This shift to a”new mode of retirement” links women to the workforce, but also connects men to familial and marital responsibilities.

In an article, “Deciding the Future”, the researchers encourage “planfulness” for couples in regard to retirement planning. The planning should be done by whoever has the skill and desire to tackle the chore, just like other household chores are divided in the home.  There are factors that shape the ability to plan effectively. You need to look at the work environment each person has in their workplace, such as a mentally or physically demanding job, health factors, if children are still in the home, income supply during retirement and what are your goals during retirement.

With individuals living longer and retiring earlier, their retirement years can be the longest period of life. A window of opportunity is available to those who plan this period of life, no longer to be taken for granted, but to be filled with many projects that are available in this new stage of life.

Moen, P., Huang, Q., Plassmann, V., & Dentinger, E. (2006). Deciding the future. Do dual-earner couples plan together for retirement? American Behavioral Scientist. 49(10), 1422-1443. doi: 10.1177/0002764206286563

Pienta, A. M. (2003). Partners in Marriage: An analysis of husbands’ and wives’ retirement behavior. The Journal of Applied Gerontology 22(3). 340-358. doi: 10.177/0733646803253587

    

What are the characteristics and challenges in Midlife Marriages?

Have you ever thought what your marriage will be like in twenty years? Will you be on your second, third or fourth marriage?  Can you imagine when you start getting a little gray hair, turn 50, have a spouse that turns 50; your youngest child leaves the house?  We don’t spend much time thinking about these life changes when we are younger, working hard on our education and establishing our career and new family. But these are some of the challenges that come along later in life that are unique to that phase of life. I want to investigate what marriage relationships look like at that time of life. I want to know what the healthy characteristics are and what the challenges are. What do people wish they could change about their marriage?  With so many marriages ending in divorce, what is it that makes a marriage last? What does a satisfying midlife marriage look like?  What keeps people together through the hard & good times?

I chose this subject because, as one of the articles I reviewed for this blog said, “With the large “Babyboom Generation” currently at the middle-age stage of life, the significance of better understanding midlife relationships is greater than ever before” (Allen, Blieszner & Roberto, 2000).  In researching this topic on midlife, long-term marriage, I found that most articles acknowledge the abundance of studies on younger couples in short-term marriages, but there is a gap in the study of midlife marital issues that are relevant to middle-age couples.

I read an interesting article about 542 couples in midlife. They were asked to name the areas in their marriage they would change if they could. The overwhelming #1 answer was to spend more time together. They wanted to be able to work less so they could spend more time with family and their spouse.  It is great that they WANT to spend more time together. This is not surprising either; who doesn’t want to work less?  This desire to spend more time together was the response from both men and women, couples married both a short and a long time, and regardless of satisfaction in the marriage. This does surprise me that even couples not satisfied with their marriage would desire this.  It appears that couples feel that more time together would give them opportunity to better communicate and resolve differences they may have.

Other areas they would change are in the areas of improved sexual relationship, better communication and conflict resolution, increased emotional intimacy, and financial differences.  Men and women rated these areas a little differently, but overall, the desire to spend more time together was the #1 area of desired change. In the weeks ahead I will be looking at these areas and others in midlife marriages.

Another article I read spoke specifically about the importance of high quality, positive marital interactions and satisfactory communication in long-term marriages. You may have heard that being married helps a person to have better health, but this report suggests there is more than that. There must be marital satisfaction to effect good health.  This report also predicted that marital interaction would help buffer against stress, and conflicts both in the marriage and out.  Marital interaction plays a major role in midlife and long-term marriages whereas short-term, younger marriages are more affected by financial problems and personality differences.  Money and personality no longer affect long-term relationships as much, but it is when the interactions in the marriage are restricted or at a deadlock. Positive, supportive communication is vital in this phase of life when couples are adjusting to the empty nest, menopause, health issues, changing physical and sexual abilities, and retirement.

Some of the people interviewed for these studies commented that they wish they had learned how to communicate better and handle conflict better earlier in their marriage. This is another important reason to give this topic some thought and reflection. If you desire to have a healthy, satisfying marriage 10, 20, 30, 40 years from now, invest in communication skills and conflict resolution now to have better benefits later in life.

Christensen, S.A & Miller, R.B., (2006). Areas of desired change among married midlife individuals. Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy: Innovation in Clinical and Education al Interventions, 5(3), 35-57. doi:10.1300/J398v05n03_03

Schmitt, M., Kliegel, M., Shapiro, A., (2007). Marital interaction in middle and old age: A predictor of marital satisfaction? International Journal of Aging and Human Development, 65(4), 283-300. doi: 10.2190/AG.65.4.a