What are the characteristics and challenges in Midlife Marriages?

Have you ever thought what your marriage will be like in twenty years? Will you be on your second, third or fourth marriage?  Can you imagine when you start getting a little gray hair, turn 50, have a spouse that turns 50; your youngest child leaves the house?  We don’t spend much time thinking about these life changes when we are younger, working hard on our education and establishing our career and new family. But these are some of the challenges that come along later in life that are unique to that phase of life. I want to investigate what marriage relationships look like at that time of life. I want to know what the healthy characteristics are and what the challenges are. What do people wish they could change about their marriage?  With so many marriages ending in divorce, what is it that makes a marriage last? What does a satisfying midlife marriage look like?  What keeps people together through the hard & good times?

I chose this subject because, as one of the articles I reviewed for this blog said, “With the large “Babyboom Generation” currently at the middle-age stage of life, the significance of better understanding midlife relationships is greater than ever before” (Allen, Blieszner & Roberto, 2000).  In researching this topic on midlife, long-term marriage, I found that most articles acknowledge the abundance of studies on younger couples in short-term marriages, but there is a gap in the study of midlife marital issues that are relevant to middle-age couples.

I read an interesting article about 542 couples in midlife. They were asked to name the areas in their marriage they would change if they could. The overwhelming #1 answer was to spend more time together. They wanted to be able to work less so they could spend more time with family and their spouse.  It is great that they WANT to spend more time together. This is not surprising either; who doesn’t want to work less?  This desire to spend more time together was the response from both men and women, couples married both a short and a long time, and regardless of satisfaction in the marriage. This does surprise me that even couples not satisfied with their marriage would desire this.  It appears that couples feel that more time together would give them opportunity to better communicate and resolve differences they may have.

Other areas they would change are in the areas of improved sexual relationship, better communication and conflict resolution, increased emotional intimacy, and financial differences.  Men and women rated these areas a little differently, but overall, the desire to spend more time together was the #1 area of desired change. In the weeks ahead I will be looking at these areas and others in midlife marriages.

Another article I read spoke specifically about the importance of high quality, positive marital interactions and satisfactory communication in long-term marriages. You may have heard that being married helps a person to have better health, but this report suggests there is more than that. There must be marital satisfaction to effect good health.  This report also predicted that marital interaction would help buffer against stress, and conflicts both in the marriage and out.  Marital interaction plays a major role in midlife and long-term marriages whereas short-term, younger marriages are more affected by financial problems and personality differences.  Money and personality no longer affect long-term relationships as much, but it is when the interactions in the marriage are restricted or at a deadlock. Positive, supportive communication is vital in this phase of life when couples are adjusting to the empty nest, menopause, health issues, changing physical and sexual abilities, and retirement.

Some of the people interviewed for these studies commented that they wish they had learned how to communicate better and handle conflict better earlier in their marriage. This is another important reason to give this topic some thought and reflection. If you desire to have a healthy, satisfying marriage 10, 20, 30, 40 years from now, invest in communication skills and conflict resolution now to have better benefits later in life.

Christensen, S.A & Miller, R.B., (2006). Areas of desired change among married midlife individuals. Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy: Innovation in Clinical and Education al Interventions, 5(3), 35-57. doi:10.1300/J398v05n03_03

Schmitt, M., Kliegel, M., Shapiro, A., (2007). Marital interaction in middle and old age: A predictor of marital satisfaction? International Journal of Aging and Human Development, 65(4), 283-300. doi: 10.2190/AG.65.4.a