“Call it a hint of bigger [and better] things to come”

     --J. Bond

What is midlife marriage like? An overview

     I went to see the most recent James Bond movie, Skyfall, this weekend. It was a great movie, even though I am not a James Bond fan. Since I have been reading academic journals about midlife for the past four months, I noticed some age characterizations in the movie. Younger intelligence officers are encouraging M to retire; she’s the one in charge of the M16 intelligence department. M is probably on the upper end of the middle age phase of life, but she is not retired yet, so we’ll give her the benefit of the doubt about her age. The younger career focused people are chomping at the bit to take over the controls. The movie reinforced cultural misconceptions we have concerning middle age; as a time of relinquishing the keys, and letting go of some of the controls.

     Many aspects of midlife are just negative stereotypes that younger people use to make fun of the aging process. Well, news for you. We are all aging! Even my 21 year-old son, who went with me to see Skyfall.

     What does James Bond and M have to do with midlife marriage? Well, for starters they are both in midlife. I would say they both prove what respondents in a large national studies say about midlife as being possibly the best period in your life! A peak phase! Not many midlife crises here.  Another aspect of midlife that this movie reinforced was the desire to maintain control over aspects of life that are important to them. This is backed up by research done by Lachman and Weaver (1998).

An article in the Journal of Family Issues stated married midlife couples felt the empty nest was a positive experience, they had more time for personal growth, more time for quality marital and sexual relations (Woohoo!) and more leisure time. Rebuilding the marriage relationship in midlife is one of the tasks recognized as prominent for this stage of life. Studies have shown that, earlier in marriage, satisfaction slowly decreases when children come into the family. Let’s be honest; there is just more stress with crying babies, sleepless nights and diapers. Then along comes another child. I love children, especially my own, but life gets busy and studies show that marriage takes a beating. Early midlife encompasses the time when marital satisfaction hits the lowest level as the children are being launched into adulthood. But then marital satisfaction begins an upward trend as couples begin to reconnect, to recover the magic of being married and knowing someone intimately, and enjoy having stability in the relationship.

     Now women, listen up. Research shows that marital satisfaction for women is strongly related to high quality couple interaction. Positive communication works well.  It works five times better than negative comments. If you haven’t already, learn how to better resolve conflicts. Begin quiet conversations with your husband when you are both rested and relaxed. Just start talking positively and creatively. Keep the conversations going. Learn about your husband and tell him how you feel. There are still significant life issues ahead. Positive, thoughtful communication can help you as a couple master the challenges that lie ahead. It may even give a positive boost to your health!

Oh, and did I mention I’ve become a James Bond fan?

References:

Lachman, M. E. & Weaver, S. L., (1998). Sociodemographic variations in the sense of control by domain: Findings from the MacArthur studies of midlife. Psychology and Aging 13(4). 553-562.

Mitchell, B. A. & Lovegreen, L. D. (2009). The empty nest syndrome in midlife families. Journal of Family Issues 30(12). 1651-1670.

Schmitt, M., Kliegel, M. & Shapiro, A. (2007). Marital interaction in middle and old age: A predictor of marital satisfaction? International Journal on Aging and Human Development. 65(4). 283-300.